That Floating Excrement Was Way Too Symbolic! It's the Television Letdowns of the Past Year.
Looking back, we consider the television offerings of the past year, a selection of shows stand out not for their excellence, but for their spectacular failures. Ranging from cringe-inducing spin-offs to confusingly bad documentaries, here are the productions that had us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this love/hate spin-off? Plagued with dreadful scripts, cringe-inducing character development (we demand better for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show struggled to find its footing. Briefly, as the third series began, it looked like it had finally hit its stride. Then came an installment all about Seemaâs natural deodorant. No wonder the creator declared this would be the last season. It ended on a low point; the closeup of Mirandaâs toilet full of poo was just way too symbolic. Yet, viewers certainly had a hoot picking apart every single âwtf?â episode. And as Carrie â a single woman once more â danced around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't release a small sob?
Allâs Fair
âCan Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.â
But that was practically the smallest of this show's issues. The subject of a very rare zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to begin listing the problems. The hilariously leaden dialogue? The tedious veneration of wealth and consumption? The almost wilful parade of tropes? Performances so poor they felt borderline spiteful? Letâs just say âall of the aboveâ and never speak of this show again. Except, a second season has been commissioned, so weâre probably going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Given the legal troubles, abuse claims and parental failures, itâs reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that youâd truly have known it from this three-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheenâs various bouts of reckless hedonism while failing to tell us anything we didnât already know. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being indulged, so any sympathy this show might evoke should be saved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charismatic but flippant narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we understood it was preposterous from the outset: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises â or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of pure admiration for its leads ⌠but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One barely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe ⌠in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
MobLand
Shady figures meeting in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigyâs Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its crime drama back.
Actually, that is unfair on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many look a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didnât endure the ignominy of having to indulge baffling dialects. But there were many other issues. Mainly that it was just really dull; a dispute over narcotics territory between various cockney picaresques which felt rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the extent to which she grinds the gears of certain performatively angry commentators, itâs temptingly tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussexâs televised forays into quaint homemaking as deliberate statements. But then you watch them and are forced to admit that in this case, they may have a point. Itâs like watching a lifestyle magazine animated; a meme for wine oâclock with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, Hallmark platitudes and forgettable crafting âhacksâ youâll not remember instantly. All supported by immense, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.
Victoria Beckham
There are obviously interesting things to be discussed about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, identity, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this documentary series opted not to explore them. Instead, the viewing was akin to consuming a sales catalogue. She obviously has every right to bridle at what she describes as her âmiserable cowâ image. But sadly, she didnât do herself any favours with this guarded non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next cultural phenomenon â except even more extravagant, with a famous star playing dead and a well-known personality managing her inheritance. What more could you ask for? As contestants battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: itâs even now too complicated to detail what exactly was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up reeking of a production that was straining desperately to emulate something far greater than it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How do you follow a show that captured a generation? The pressure was enormous for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The lead actress took her biggest role by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was insufficient. Plus, the abundance of celebrity friends involved felt icky.
The Sketch Show Return
Not good enough to be âunevenâ.
Given the shrewd inclusion of talented emerging comics, hopes were high. But unhappily, most of it fell flat. A recurring sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a dry pulp but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a familiar ranting mode. The writing room sketches, in contrast, simply inspired the idea that they should probably have remained in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this isnât it. The subject matter needed to be handled sensitively. Instead, the series struggled painfully to find the right voice, lurching from oddly jaunty, slightly mannered farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Complex? Arguably. A complete mess? Absolutely.
Prime Target
We love the star ⌠but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so intelligent heâs on the verge of a breakthrough that could ruin society? Nope! This globe-trotting thriller about secret services targeting â and eliminating â intellectuals honestly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This uncritical portrait followed the online personality renowned for sexual exploits as she undertook her most extreme challenge yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we wanted was far greater examination of her true psyche, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have spoken to the now-famous mum who showed up to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was disturbing shots and zero critical analysis of her notoriety whatsoever. And to think, the filmmaker has a young daughter too.