🔗 Share this article

As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that counseling might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an try to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.